Sometimes, time in nature isn’t the answer for healing.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from this time thru hiking, it’s that simply spending time in nature is not enough.
I started this whole project of fundraising for mental health and environmental organizations by walking the length of NZ as a way of highlighting key topics that are really important to me + impact everyone, creating opportunity for professional growth, challenging my physical abilities, setting big fundraising goals for important causes, and showing people how important it is for your mental health to spend time outside.
What I didn’t expect was the negative impacts thru hiking would have ON my mental health.
The first month was incredible. I was feeling physically stronger than ever before (once my body had adjusted to the new daily routine), my days were spent surrounded by some of the best people, I was seeing places I’d been saving in bucket list folders on Pinterest/Instagram/my phone for years, I was feeling creatively inspired, and I felt like I was in the beginning stages of something that was going to really matter and make a difference.
Until Auckland. Where we said goodbye to our trail family - people we’d spent nearly every day with for more than a month, and shifted priorities. Since then, for me, there’s been subtle shifts that eventually led to me finally saying “I’m done.”
I honestly thought it was just something that would go away - that I was just in that part of the monthly cycle, and it would sort itself out after a couple weeks like it normally does. Then I thought it was just because I was tired. Then just burnt out socially.
Fast forward to today, 2 months to the date of feeling ‘off’ and not being able to explain it. 2 months of feeling overly sensitive; thinking I’m a bad person for not having the energy to socialize with the new people at camp; keeping more quiet and finding ways of retreating to my tent earlier; feeling like a bad friend because I’m struggling with the constant change; feeling like I’m being difficult because I don’t want to change plans sometimes; feeling like a buzzkill because I’m emotionally and socially exhausted and not showing up with bubbly energy; trying to mask so that the people around me don’t worry, and feeling guilty when I do open up about my struggles…
2 months of feeling like I was losing myself and becoming a version I hated.
I share not for sympathy or to create concern, but transparency… as someone who is often told they’re admired for their ‘upbeat, bubbly, always happy’ personality, and that you’re ‘the one we never have to worry about,’ and that ‘you’re so strong for everything you’ve been through.’ I want everyone who hears the same things to know that: I see you. I understand the pressure + weight you’re carrying. And you never have to keep your mask on around me.
Something I’ve learnt while being on trail is that this constant-changing lifestyle is not for me.
Ironic considering what my life has been for the past 6 years (iykyk). But what’s been interesting is witnessing this in such a “heightened lifestyle?” (For lack of a better word lol.) We often joke that life on trail feels like a lifetime of experiences, emotions, connections, and lessons all condensed into just a handful of months - but it really honestly couldn’t be more true. And with that, I’ve finally been able to recognize some patterns in my life since mum took her own life: the points in my life where I’ve felt the most connected to myself, have been able to show up as a good friend/family member, have felt physically the healthiest and strongest… have been in the times where I built stability.
This is not to say I was perfect, or showed up 100% of the time exactly how I wanted to… nor am I saying I stayed put during these times of stability. But they were times where I felt the closest to the person I wanted to be. For me, this stability looked like having a home base, a network of people around me that I trust/feel safe with/connect with and that I can easily spend time with in person, a good balance of time spent on hobbies + time outside + a job I love/enjoy, routines that brought peace, and the flexibility to pursue things that excite me.
I used to think needing this kind of stability somehow meant I was failing, that it only brought rigidity and closed myself off to exciting opportunities; that I wasn’t going to live an adventurous and fun life. But again - when I look at the periods of my life where I built this stability - it was actually the complete opposite. I found joy in creating, I searched out ways of learning new skills, I spent more time with people I love, I spent time outdoors and enjoyed moving my body, experienced some of the most growth, and went off on some of the most exciting and life changing adventures I’ve experienced to date.
Taking care of myself felt like a joy and a privilege, not a burden.
The past couple months on trail I’ve lost my desire and excitement to create; hiking has felt less and less enjoyable as the days go on; I’ve felt closed off, emotionally sensitive, disconnected, anxious; I haven’t been able to appreciate the beauty around me, and I’ve felt challenged in ways that don’t make me a better person. I feel constantly overstimulated, irritated, agitated. And I battle thoughts that tell me I’m becoming a bad person, and an even worse friend/family member.
When in reality, I’ve just put myself in an environment that doesn’t support me in the ways I need, and am challenging myself in ways that aren’t nurturing me, which are in turn making it near impossible to show up how I want to.
When starting this ‘project,’ it was with the naive thinking that simply spending more time outdoors can create the biggest positive impact on your mental health. And while there are elements to that which are true, and I still believe - there’s a nuance and many additional layers that we don’t address.
Time outside is important; for everyone. But how we spend that time impacts everyone differently. 3 years of living in a van, I can easily say it’s not for everyone (I personally love it, and can’t wait to return to van life). Just like I can confidently say that thru-hiking is also not for everyone (I love aspects, and can see myself doing it again…but differently). Hell - HIKING isn’t even for everyone. But time in nature is. Spending time outdoors can look like sitting at a local park bench, reading a book on a grassy field, laying at the beach, having a picnic with friends, playing sports, going for a walk, climbing a big mountain, walking for months on end…
Whatever it is, it doesn’t have to be extreme to be effective. And you’re not a failure for needing to step back.
And it’s not just time spent outside, but all the other little things around it that are making you feel most yourself. This includes (and not limited to) therapy, eating well, moving in ways that feel good, talking with people you love + trust + have deep connections with, resting on your own terms, etc.
In the past week, I made the decision to come off trail. One that was not made lightly, and one that I still feel disappointed in. But one that I know is right. Every step I was taking became less about challenging/pushing myself, and more about forcing myself to finish something I started. It wasn’t that it was simply “not fun any more,” but it had become detrimental to my mental health - something I never thought I’d be saying about this experience.
When I was able to recognize + acknowledge that I was actually not okay, and opened up about this to a couple close friends on trail, we talked through options that made most sense for me, and sought out solutions.
There’s still a level of disappointment, and I feel like I’m letting people down by not completing the 3000km. In ways, it makes me feel like a fraud considering how much backing has gone into the project specifically. But I know this isn’t true, and actually just raises the importance and proves the point even more of why taking care of our mental health is so important. The whole reason this project was started in the first place.
So in saying that, I will be staying in NZ to finish out this adventure and I will still be fundraising for the organizations - it’s just going to look a little different from what I originally set out. How? I’m still not exactly sure… but it will involve bringing back living in a way that feels right, not a way I think I “should” be living. 🌻
Stay passionate and curious,
Hunter 💛
Ps. Remember: You can do hard things.
All photos by Matt Horspool from Vagary Studio for a Mountain Design Footwear campaign in January 2025.
